Monday, May 29, 2006


Sure, 32 Celsius is only 89.6 Fahrenheit, but it's still hotter than hell today. I need a beer. Or a mai tai. You know, I thought mai tai's were Hawaiian, but they're not. Sad, so sad.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The answers you need

One time in Dallas, I turned down a freebie with a prostitute. Not a freebie from a prostitute, a freebie with a prostitute. I told this story to my friend, and very catholic friend, Sharon once. How would this come up in conversation? Funny you should ask - for some reason, we were talking about men who go to bars to just pick up for one night stands, and someone in the group asked why said men wouldn't just go to a prostitute if all they wanted was sex. Of course the cliched metaphor comparing picking up a one nighter and hunting was brought up. Personally, I find that metaphor to be bullshit. I've never had a one night stand - nor would I want one. It's not because I don't like hunting - I do like hunting. I've never been hunting, it just seems fun. Except for the whole killing a defenseless animal and then drinking its blood. What's with the blood drinking? That's not the point. The point is that there's nothing wrong with one night stands, but don't bullshit yourself about it - don't make it seem deeper than just wanting to get laid, because that's all it is.

So back to the prostitute, and let me be very politcal about this. I can't say when or where this was other than it was in a hotel lobby. I'm speaking with this guy who we'll call Frank. Frank and I had been drinking heavily all night, discussing a variety of subjects. Hours had gone by since i'd eaten and my stomach was craving something greasy before I went to bed. I let Frank know this, and he says that he's had enough for the night and he's heading up to his room.

Words begin to form in my head. Room. Room. Room. Service. Room. Room Service. We start towards the elevators and just as we are about to push the up button, the doors to the elevators open and two young women step out. Both were dressed quite, well, they looked like hookers. Sorry, they just really looked like hookers - they weren't dressed like they were heading out to Wal-Mart to buy some shampoo and a "Dirty Dancing 20th Anniversary Edition" DVD.

My new buddy face changes. It looks like he knows them, or at least thinks he does. Now this is the weird part. There's no lollygagging or anything - he just asks one of them how much. Right there in a fancy hotel lobby. How much. Prices are discussed - reasonable prices I assume because my new buddy offers "..hey, let me get one of them for you."

Never in my life, and never since, has anyone ever offered that. I can imagine picking up my venti cafe mocha (no whip) from Starbucks. I can even phathom (big word) grabbing the check at Mortys after wings and pitchers. But a prostitute - no.

I sobered up quickly and politely declined his offer. He said it was no problem and he whispered in the first prostitutes ear, and just like ole' Saint Nick up the chimney, all three of them were gone.

Standing in the lobby, still semi-dumfounded by the whole conversation, I noticed a waiter wheeling over a room service cart. ROOM SERVICE. I took the next available elevator to my floor, ran in and dialed the three digits. A bacon cheesburger, fries, and strawberry cheesecake.

The next morning I woke up - strangley hungry. I looked around the room and there was no empty plate with lettuce and a ketchup stain. Where was my cheesecake covered fork? No where. The red, message waiting light was blinking on my phone. I pressed the message button on the phone. One waiting message. "Hello, this is room service, we're sorry we missed you - no one answered the door when we tried to deliver your food. Have a nice day."

Oh the humanity. The humanity!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I'm a transformer

There's a reason I don't save my password in iTunes. It's because if I did, people would use my computer to download albums and i'd go broke. Now, this is not true. The part about downloading is - but the part about not saving my password in iTunes is a blatent lie. For some reason, I saved my password in the evil Dell Dimension 4100 upstairs ("Where should I start with this ignorant cow?").

During Lara's welcome back party a few weekends ago, Bryan and Livy (see photo) were drunk iTunes music store surfing and they downloaded the album "St. Elsewhere" by Gnarls Barkley. I knew nothing about this group, except for a brief shout-out in Whitney Matheson's awesome USA Today "Pop Candy" column. Gnarls Barkley is a collaboration between DJ Danger Mouse (who did that actually pretty damn good, but way to popular "Grey Album" smashup of the Beetles and Jay-Z and Cee-Lo from the Goodie Mob. I have a Cee-Lo solo album at home - it's decent, a couple good tracks. This Gnarls Barkley album is much better than decent. I'm not sure how you'd categorize this music - and i'm not sure categorizing music is a good thing. It's like saying the Beastie Boys are rap or that Elvis Costello is easy listening. Speaking of Elvis Costello, his collaboration "Painted From Memory" with Burt Bacharach is freaking awesome and you should download that legally at your earliest convenience.

This weekend is the first long weekend of the year here in Canada. I have to say, this whole long weekend thing is beautiful. You have Victoria Day (May 24th), Canada Day (July 1st), the cryptic Civil Holidsy (August 1st), and then Labour Day (September 6th). Four months, four three day weekends. You don't get much better than that. On top of that, most people take the Friday off too - so tomorrow will be empty here as people make their way to their cottages or friend's cottages or camping. Us? Well, between throwing a party one weekend, and Boston last weekend, i'm toast. I'm going to get around to fixing the flower pots on the deck and maybe even paint the bedroom. And drink beer. Lots of beer. While consuming chicken wings. It's a good time to be alive.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Bears need handlers

I'm listening to the new Lewis Black CD - "The Carnegie Hall Performance" which can be found on Amazon or iTunes. For some reason, the iTunes version doesn't include one track - which happens to be 17 minutes long. I've chosen to not purchase from iTunes - because, well - I want the whole fucking CD. What is that nonsense?

I'm still recovering from last weekend. I had McDonald's twice. Twice. That makes it five times i've had McDonalds in the last eight years. The visits to McD's are so sporadic, that I remember each visit. Let's recap -

1. February 2004 - Waterloo, ON - Sausage Egg McMuffin with Cheese the morning after heaving drinking with my fake cousin Aisling. Couldn't take more than one bite because Canadian McDonald's tastes different.

2. January 2005 - Salt Lake City, UT - Hotcakes and sausage. Tastes good.

3. June 2005 - Waterloo, ON - Sausage Egg McMuffin with Cheese the morning after Sharon and Jeff got engaged. Couldn't take more than one bite because it tastes different and I didn't remember that from the first time.

4. May 2006 - I-90 somewhere in NY state - cheeseburger. Avoided fries successfully.

5. May 2006 - I-90 somewhere in NY state - Big-N-Tasty. It's big. Not so tasty. Still feel sick.

Speaking of eating, I just had some curry for lunch that Laurie made last night. My mouth is on fire. FIRE. I need to get a glass of water.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It's a swing and a miss

Last night was game 2 of the season for our softball team - the "Fighting Pints". We lost the game, but won a small victory in the game of life. That last sentence is why i'm not a sports writer.

I'm actually playing semi-not-poorly. In previous leagues, I was always catcher. That's something I never really understood, because catcher is an important position. I guess they're all important - but I was a late comer to softball, so it seemed like a really important position to put a novice at.

This time around, I wanted to try something new - so i'm playing third base. It's awesome - so much better than playing catcher. That doesn't sound good.

I got four outs last night - two at third where I caught the ball in the air, one at third where I was able to throw to second for the out, and one in the outfield. There was one bad incident....a grounder to third where I decided that the best thing to do would be throw the ball at the runner. I nailed him in the side. It really wasn't intentional, everything was just moving so fast and I swear I saw someone run to cover third. Thankfully, I only kind of lobbed it over to third, so he didn't get hit that bad.

Game 3 is Wednesday, and hopefully I can make it through without throwing the bat at someone.

Monday, May 15, 2006

It was all the rage before the fucking internet

9 hours and a McDonald's Big-n-Tasty later, we're back in Waterloo. I really need to compliment both transportation departments of New York and Mass. for their amazingly well kept highways. It made the drive back and forth damn easy I must say.

Also - going to Cheesecake Factory at 10am is a good idea if you don't want to wait in line - it's a bad idea if you spent the previous night with a group of total strangers on a bar crawl. Lesson learned. Can I get some more iced tea?

We had two awesome meals in Boston - the previously mentioned Atlantic Fish Co. - and then Saturday's lunch at Chili Duck Thai on Boylston. I had the masaman curry and it was awesome. In order to be rated as "awesome", a Thai curry must make my nose run (disgusting, yes) - and this curry did. Check out that joint if you're in town.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Bukake Posada

Are you in Boston? Are you going to Boston? If you can answer "yes" to either of these questions, then go to the Atlantic Fish Co. for dinner. I had their sesame seared tuna last night and it was honestly the best bit of fish i've ever had in my entire life. Actually, I dislike seafood and never eat fish - but that dinner last night has converted my red meat eating ways. To hell with the t-bone, gimme some tuna baby. That sounded bad.

I'm here in Boston for Bryan's graduation. Last night we hit up Hong Kong's in downtown Boston. I had three chicken and one beef skewer. Mmmmmm. Skewers.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Welcome Back Lara

Don't call it a comeback. It's been almost a month now - and I have no excuse, except for the fact that i've been busy as hell. Quick recap -

1) Went to Tempe for a week. Managed to get to Gordon Biersch, Rula Bula, Cheesecake Factory, and Moe's Southwestern Grill - plus daily trips to Starbucks. I love Tempe, i've been out there at least once every year since 2001 - and I really can't say enough good things about that whole area. If I had to live somewhere in the States, Tempe would be high on my list.

2) This week is our user's group - so last week was spent helping people get their demos ready. Worked 10-12 hours each day. Slept when I got home. User's groups take a lot of planning and preperation and hopefully all the demos go really well.

3) This week is our user's group - we got ice cream here. cream. We also had our first softball game of the season. No victory, but we played well for a team that hadn't ever played together before. Of course we had to go out for the post-game beer (or two) - which none of us complained about.

4) Last weekend, Bryan came up and attended Lara's welcome back party. Good times for all.

5) This weekend, we're driving to Boston to attend Bryan's graduation from Boston University. Need to get to Hong Kong's for a scorpion bowl, or the trip is meaningless.


Here is a photo from Lara's welcome back party. She was in Australia for a year getting her master's degree. In the photo, clockwise from 12 - Michelle, Livy, Laurie, Josh, Lara. More photos can be found over at Flickr. Dirty, dirty Flickr. I wish Google had a Flickr like site - if they did, I would use it.

Other than that, i've got nothing new to report. More later.