Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Law of Attraction

For those who don't know, I'm applying for permanent resident status in Canada. That's like a green card. Anyway, my application has been transfered from the Buffalo consulate to the Detroit consulate - which means something, I'm just not sure what. Either way, I'm happy that something is happening and it is a nice post-Christmas surprise.

This is just the first step on my journey to be Prime Minister of Canada. Canada is great, because unlike some other country I will not mention, naturalized citizens can hold the top federal government job. You know who you are, country with the seal with an eagle holding an olive branch and arrows.

Schwarzenegger for President!

Soylent green is made out of people.

Who wants chestnuts roasting on an open fire when you can have cold Coronas in front of an open fire instead?

I wonder if there's an alternate universe where a second ice age has already happened and Mexico's average winter high is 4° C. Would the houses in Mexico (now the world's superpower because of it's lack of glaciers) have fire places? Do houses in Mexico have fire places now?

Why am I even thinking about this question? Because it's the week between Christmas and New Year's Day and this is the time of year when I ponder these types of questions. As Casey Kasem would have said (not really) "Boy, is this fucking ponderous man...ponderous, fucking ponderous."

I'm not sure where I get these ideas from. I once read an article in Rolling Stone, or maybe the fucking Internet, about a pick-up artist. The pick-up artist claimed he could use the power of suggestion and subliminal tricks to get women. One of these tricks was to say the following during a conversation;

"My best ideas comes from below me."

Now I'm not sure what that even means or where you could fit that into a conversation, but all the same - it is pretty funny. Funny like this joke I heard this weekend;

"If big breasted women work at Hooters, where do one-legged women work? IHOP!!"

Now that is funny. Funny like this picture of a hamster holding an automatic rifle I found on the awesome sports site - Kissing Suzy Kolber. KSK won best sports blog from the Bloggies, which is like the Oscars of blogs, which pretty much means what you think it means. All the same, congrats to them - and their blog does rock.

Continuing on the sports theme, I went to my first - and because of ticket prices - potentially last Toronto Maple Leafs game at the Air Canada Centre last night.

The Leafs prevailed over the Wild 4-3, and I even was able to witness my first penalty shot. Well, not my shot - it was some dude named John Pohl, who just happens to be from Minnesota. I've always wondered if it feels weird to score against the team from your own state? Probably not considering how much they get paid. Minnesota is a cool state too - mainly because they elected Jesse Ventura governor. I like California for a similar reason.

The four day Christmas/Boxing Day weekend is over - and it ended way to fast. I'm not sure if it just that I'm older and time passes quicker or what, but damn - I feel like I didn't even have one day off. This week I only have two days of work, and then it's cleaning time in preparation for New Year's Eve Eve. It already feels like it's Wednesday.

Shit. It is Wednesday. Ok, I'm off to clean. Have a great week.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It is not snowing

Seriously. There is not one flake out there. It's like nature is using "Head & Shoulders" out there. I took the trash and recycling (Yeah Earth!) out in flip flops and a t-shirt. Could this be global warming? Well, if you live in Denver, probably not. It's just an unseasonably warm winter here in Waterloo and it looks to be a "green" Christmas. I guess it would be a "green" Christmas if you recycled gifts from last year. That's probably not what Al Gore had in mind.

Speaking of Al Gore, we rented "An Inconvient Truth" the other night. I'm not sure if it was the bottle of wine of Al Gore's monotone voice, but I fell asleep within fifteen minutes. All I could hear was "Lock Box, Lock Box, Lock Box..." and then I just dozed off. I woke up during the credits, and I felt guilty. Why? Because it's a documentary about how the Earth's fragile environment is more than likely going to be way worse than it is now in forty years and I went to sleep.

Does that make me a bad environmentalist? I don't think so. Here's why:

1) I recycle
2) We sometimes carpool
3) I don't use hair spray
4) I don't work for Big Oil
5) I've never clubbed a baby seal

That last one is more of an animal rights thing, but I just want it to be clear - I have never clubbed a baby seal, nor any other animal. The closest thing to animal cruelty in my past helping this guy in university feed mice to a snake. I still feel bad about that.

Anyway - Merry Christmas. I have no idea what this has to do with Christmas, but it's the thought that counts.

Monday, December 11, 2006

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here

My friend (and soon to be first time published author) Katie has a blog on the topics of writing and her dog named after the Winston Zeddemore character from "Ghostbusters".

That last part about the dog's name may not be true, but I like to think it is. The dog may be named after Sir Winston Churchill. However, seeing that neither Katie nor her husband are British (as far as I know), I don't see why they would do that. I could just ask her. I think Winston is a good dog name because dogs shouldn't have people names. What if you wanted to name your baby "Francis" or something, and then your neighbour names their dog "Francis". You can't use that name now, because what if your baby and their dog get out at the same time and start running/crawling down the street. Which one will answer? They'll both be confused. It's messed. Anyway, check out her blog whenever you get a chance.

The photo to the right is from the evite to this year's New Years Eve Eve party which will be held on, of all nights, December 30th. Leave a comment if you'd like an evite. Who doesn't love evites?

This will be year two, which I think qualifies NYEE (as the cool kids call it) an official annual tradition. We picked December 30th for three reasons;

1) Abundance of available cabs
2) A plethora of babysitters
3) New Years Eve Eve is no where near the psychological and emotional let-down, skull fuck that New Years Eve tends to be.

You may say, "Wow man, that's harsh". Harsh? Yes. True? Yes. Seriously. I'm not even going to count the New Years Eves from 1976 through 1990 as I was only 0 through 14 at the time and who can have a good time on New Years at that age? Well, there was this one year when my brother and I watched comedy specials on HBO, and we were able to hear the comedians tell jokes with curse words and it was fantastic. To this day, just shout "look at my wingspan, I can destroy you all" or "Trevor, Trevor, take us with you - we're all Christians" to my brother and he will piss himself.

Anyway - so 1990 through 2003. They were all crap. There was one time where my family went to see "The Amazing Jonathan" at the Comedy Corner, that was cool - but other than that - garbage. Then in 2004 - I had my best New Years ever in Cleggen on the west coast of Ireland. We spent the night at a pub called Olivers - ringing in the New Year in the middle of nowhere. It was also the night of the following phone call, which took place at 12:10am Ireland time;

Alex: "Hi."
Marian: "Hey Alex, where are you?"
Alex: "I'm in the future."
Marian: "Ooo, what's the future like?"
Alex: "It's all pastels and jet packs."

That was a good time. But really, save for those few good times - the rest of the nights are spent with people you'd probably want to avoid any other night. You get drunk and make resolutions you won't keep, and then you wake up around noon and not one thing in your life is different. Wow, that is harsh. I need to go have some eggnog.

That's why I like the 30th. I'm a "nothing risked, nothing gained" kind of guy - and that's what makes the 30th awesome. You're taking a risk by going to a party on the 30th and, well, hmmm.....ok, you're right - there is no risk there. But, it is still a good party, so whatever.

If you can't make New Years Eve Eve in Waterloo, you should throw your own.

That's all.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


I got an email yesterday from a co-worker asking me if I wanted to go get a coffee.

Of course I want I was told to go out the side door and meet the co-worker there.

As I'm writing back, I see five of the other guys I work with leave the office. I think nothing of this.

I go outside and see the co-worker who sent the email.

Then I see the other five co-workers, plus another 10 people from the office - all running towards me with snowballs in their hands. It was an ambush - and my first snowball fight. I need to work on my aim for next time.

Want to be disturbed for the day....go over to Chowdaheads and watch his Christmas clip of the day.

Friday, December 01, 2006

It's the first of the month, grab your cheques

Here is the audio clip where I got the name of this blog from. I find this clip to be inspiring and uplifting and I hope that by listening to it, you will find it easier to tackle life's daily hiccups.

Now i'll give you a moment to go throw up. That is the cheesiest thing i've ever written. Thank god the clip has nothing cheese ingredients.

I've got to go to work now and solve the world's direct store delivery issues. Happy December....New Year's Eve Eve in 29 days.